Fifty’s First Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone! And what better way to celebrate this loving time of year than by reading the final instalment of the turd-esque series known as Fifty Shades? So here goes, for the final time ever: ‘Fifty’s First Christmas’.

Read ‘Meet Fifty Shades’.

50 Shades Freed
Fifty’s First Christmas

My sweater is scratchy and smells of new.

We’re off to a promising grammatical start.

I have a new mommy.

Aha, Christian is a child then.

She has a tetscope that I can stick in my ears.

He says words wrong! He’s cute! Love him!

There is a big tree in the room with the big couches. I have seen these in stores. Not inside.

The true mark of abuse is when a child has never seen a tree indoors before.

My new house has lots of couches. Not one brown sticky couch.

Such subtle invoking of a neglected childhood! (And by subtle I mean obvious.)

He’s calling. Lelliot.

Kind of wish Christian had kept calling him ‘Lelliot’ throughout. Might have made them both a touch more likeable.

Daddy is here, too. He kisses New Mommy and New Mommy isn’t frightened.

EL James might as well write ‘UNLIKE CHRISTIAN’S LAST FAMILY’ after every single bloody sentence.

Daddy has a deep soft voice. He is never loud. He does not shout.


“You bought a tree? A Christmas tree?”
I say yes with my head.

Pretty sure a kid would know the word ‘nod’.

Lelliot is mad when Daddy talks to me. I smack Lelliot when he is mad at me. Lelliot is scared of me.

Not to worry, you’ll grow up into a fine example of … oh.

Later, he is decorating the tree with New Mommy.

“Christian, you must tell me when you’re hungry. You can do that. I don’t want you to be hungry, darling. Okay?”

Funny how he grew up to be a controlling psychopath over food, when he had such a good example of how to do it RIGHT.

I like her smiles. They are better than macaroni and cheese.

Come on. NOTHING’S better than macaroni and cheese.

Santa never brought me presents before. I was bad. Now I am good.

Look, it’s very cute and all, but this sort of writing style isn’t really meant for extended reading.

My new mommy is not cold.


The next day, Christmas morning.

Santa has been here. Santa does not know I have been bad.

Looks like you can get away with it, then.

I have a train and a helicopter and a plane and a helicopter and a car and a helicopter.

Charlie Tango of the past!

It flies over Mommy and flies over Daddy and flies over Lelliot as he plays with the Legos.

Is EL James, right at the end, attempting to put in a literary symbol? Careful, love, you might hurt yourself.

He flies through the house, because it’s my house. My house where I live.

A lovely image, perhaps, but he’s definitely going to crash that helicopter into something.


And that’s it, folks. I can’t thank you enough for staying with me through this often agonising journey, but now that it’s at an end I can say that there is a sliver of hope for these books: they are excellent examples of how NOT to behave.

I hope you’ll stick around with this blog – I’ll be writing many more (hopefully) funny things in the future!

Why not let me know what you think? You can buy the book here, or the entire trilogy, if you’re a glutton for punishment. Ironically.

About abusive relationships
Domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247
Help for abused men 0808 801 0327

About eating disorders
Eating disorder helpline 0845 634 1414

5 Comments on “Fifty’s First Christmas

  1. This is absolutely brilliant. I’ve read the entire series this weekend. I started it on Friday 01/01/16 and just finished early this morning 01/04/16 so it was a total binge read. I laughed so hard at both your commentary and the dialogue in the book. I’d never read the books and although I’d heard lots of negative things about them but nothing prepared me for the reality. This is absolute shit!!!! Being personally involved in a DD/lg BDSM relationship I can guarantee that this is NOT a consensual relationship. NOT IN ANY WAY. I’m now married but had I met a Dom like this in real life I wld have run far and fast and told everyone in the community about him and his insanity.

    • Thank you so much! I’m really glad you enjoyed it – if I can help anyone avoid actually having to read the books I’m happy.

      Really interesting to hear from someone in the community too. I can’t imagine 50 Shades’ portrayal is at all accurate, and it’s such a shame that a book about a clearly abusive relationship is being held up as an example of BDSM.

      Thanks for reading :)

      • This book is absolutely not an example of a true BDSM relationship. The thing that really makes me SO crazy is the “poor Christian was abused and so now he needs to hurt women who like the crack whore bullshit”. I’ve never met a Dom anything like this. In fact, if I’m going to give them total control than I want them to be 100% emotionally healthy and sensitive to me and my reactions, whether I’ve used the safe word or not. That spanking scene at the end of the first book is outlandish. He was an “experienced Dom” and she was not a sub at all. No way wld a real Dom have ever even done that, but let’s just pretend it cld have happened for the sake of argument. A Dom wld have noticed that she was beyond her endurance and stopped, regardless of safe word usage. This book reinforces every negative conception people have about BDSM. As I mentioned previously I’m involved in a DD/lg relationship, a Daddy Dom/little girl. Let me say this has NOTHING to do w fucking a little girl, nothing to do w my having “Daddy issues” and nothing to do w either one of us being abused. I love both my Daddy (Dom) and Dad (Father) and neither one has anything at all to do w the other. My husband and I have 3 children, 2 daughters and one son and he loves his little girl (me) and he loves his children but neither one has anything to do w the other. I know this is rambling on but the biggest sin in this book is that notion that BDSM is caused by sexual, physical, emotional abuse. You know as well as I that the abused become abusers, and this book is a textbook example of that. E.L. did NO research on BDSM or she wld have understood that. Last thing, I swear lol, although I cld rant on over this for an eternity. What drives me crazy is the idea that a Dom wld fall madly in love and then make beautiful love to them and have straight vanilla sex bc they wldn’t agree w being submissive. Nonfuckingsense. Absolute nonsense. A true Dom wld never fall in love w someone who refused to submit, simple as that. They wldn’t even find such a person attractive. Bc they wld not submit. And they are Dominant. So they need to dominate. Lol this is what everyone raving over this book fails to understand. Dominanats only fuck submissives.

        • It’s so difficult to know about these books and not rant! I’m totally with you – there are clearly so many nuances to BDSM relationships that EL James simply doesn’t know about. All she needed to do was talk to one person who knows about it, like you, and the books would be a thousand times better!

          • Hell, she could have just googled BDSM and found out pretty much everything she needed to know. Ugh these just make me crazy. My daughters are 12 and 16 and let me say I hope they never read this shit. I don’t want them or anyone to ever think the shit Christian pulls is any way romantic, in any way loving, in any way dominant, in any way acceptable. I’m far from the only one in the community upset about these books, as I’m sure you’re aware. Christian is abusing Ana and in the real BDSM community they would be ostracized. None of us wld find that behavior acceptable. Yuck. They’re fucking creepy creepers lol. And given the fact that there are now children invovlved…..I can’t. Right now all over the world hundreds of thousands of women are being abused and raped and we have a series of book glorifying it?

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