50 Shades Darker – Chapter 21

Christian and Ana are heading to the playroom. It’s chapter TWENTY, the PENULTIMATE chapter, in what is meant to be another risqué, kinky book, and we’re only now getting to some freaking bondage.

Read Chapter Twenty, or read the whole lot on ‘The Fifty Shades Saga‘ page.

50 Shades Darker
Chapter 21

“Anything you don’t want to do?”
I’m derailed by this unexpected question.

I would have thought that question would be bloody obvious.

“I don’t want you to take photos of me.”

That’s IT? Oh, you’re in trouble.

He takes out his iPod … It’s music to make love to.

Of course it is. He was hardly going to put on nursery rhymes, was he?

My nightdress skims and ripples softly down my body, pooling at my feet.

Well, you clearly don’t have hips then.

He places the tie around my neck, and slowly but dexterously ties it in what I assume is a fine Windsor knot.

Oh good, I’m glad we know what type of knot it is.

I’m sure my lips will be swollen after his sensual assault.

Pro tip: when writing sex scenes, don’t describe what all the bits and pieces will look like AFTERWARDS. Nobody wants to think about swellings and such.

They go and look in the butt drawer.

“As an anal virgin … we want to start with this.” He holds up his pinkie finger, and I gasp, shocked. Fingers … there?

Hence the name ANAL.

“I’m making this up as I go along. This isn’t a scene, Ana.”

Oh, so meta.

My inner goddess has already scissor-kicked onto the table.

But … why?

Can one lust after one’s husband like this?

I wouldn’t bother marrying him if you don’t.

I run my parted lips along his jaw, feeling the stubble, a heady combination of prickly and soft, under my tongue.

Ooh, I’ll note that down in my Big Book of Sex Tips: lick partner’s face with underside of tongue.

Christian gets her to kneel, then he cuffs her above the elbows so her boobs are sticking out. He also blindfolds her and rubs her all over with massage oil.

“And soon you’ll be my wife to have and to hold … To love and to cherish … With my body, I will worship you … Mrs. Grey.”

Not a very sexy name, after all.

He slips a large cool metal object between my lips.

Her MOUTH lips.

Suddenly I feel the pinch of the clamp.
“Ah!” I garble my groan through the device in my mouth.

I bet that sounds hot.

He’s reoiled his hands. They glide around to my backside.
I gasp. What’s he going to do?

Put his finger in your bum. Just like he said.

His fingers stroke and tease me.
What’s he going to do?

PUT HIS FINGER IN YOUR BUM. JUST LIKE HE SAID.

Christian puts the metal device in her vagina.

Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate – down there!

Don’t tell me you’ve gone all this time not knowing what a vibrator is?!

Suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me … there! Into my backside. Fuck.

You can’t say he didn’t warn you.

I scream as my body convulses and climaxes at the overwhelming fullness.

Of course it does.

…my body continues to pulse mercilessly inside.
…my body continues to convulse.

We get it, it’s a really good orgasm.

So many sides of Christian – his sweet, gentle persona and his rugged, I-can-do-what-I-fucking-well-like-to-you-and-you’ll-come-like-a-train-Dominant side – his fifty shades – all of him.

That has to be a hyphen record. Also, is ‘coming like a train’ a thing?

They witter about the all the things they love about each other. Then they get up. I don’t know if it’s the next day or not because I haven’t been paying attention.

I busy myself in the kitchen making lunch. I have found salmon steaks in the fridge, and I’m poaching them in lemon, making a salad, and boiling some baby potatoes.

I can’t help but feel that EL James is planning on a releasing a Fifty Shades recipe book.

All that talking … all that sexing … hmm.

Ana not use words good.

She emails him to tell him lunch is ready. THEY’RE IN THE SAME FUCKING APARTMENT AND THEY’RE EMAILING EACH OTHER.

I’ve made a watercress, cilantro, and sour cream dip to accompany the salmon.

For fuck’s sake.

“That dress is very short,” he adds. “I just don’t want anyone else to see you like that.”
“We’re at home, Christian. No one but the staff.”

The staff?! Looks like Ana’s been working hard on her superiority complex.

Five minutes later, he’s back holding the phone.
“I have Ray for you,” he murmurs.
“Christian has just asked me if he can marry you,” Ray says.

And you presumably said, ASK HER.

“Annie … It’s such a big step. You’re sure?”
“He’s my happily ever after,” I whisper.
“Whoa,” Ray says.

Whenever she opens her mouth, it’s just pure poetry.

Ray eventually gives his blessing, as does Ana’s mum. Ana and Christian have lunch.

“Damn, you’re a good cook, woman.”
I blossom under his praise.

Gee whiz, little lady, you sure will make a mighty fine housewife.

She tells him she found his photos. He asks her how she got in the safe, and she says she means the ones in the drawer. Oh! What fresh mystery is this?

“I’d forgotten all about them. That box had been moved. Those belong in my safe.”
“Who moved them?” I whisper.
“There’s only one person who could have done that.”

Who? Leila? Mrs Robinson? Am I meant to know this?

“This is going to sound cold, but – they’re an insurance policy … against exposure.”

What, tell anyone that I like to be a Dom and I’ll furnish them with photographic evidence of that fact?

“It could only have been Leila.”

Right, and she moved them from the safe to the back of a drawer because…?

“Ana, I thought we exorcised all those ghosts this morning. I feel that way. Don’t you?”

Yeh, he did stick his fingers in your arse so you’d better forgive him anything.

She agrees that it is all fine, and he says he’ll destroy the photos. Later, she pops out for birthday cake ingredients. He’s upset because she doesn’t put on jeans to cover her bare legs. For fuck’s sake, this guy is a caveman.

Shit, what have I done?

Nothing. Go out with bare legs if you want.

Shit. I think about what little experience I have with men.

I don’t care how inexperienced you are, if he’s so jealous he makes you cover up when you go outside, HE’S NOT WORTH IT.

This skirt isn’t that short, is it? Damn. Yes, it is quite short.

Ana, you appear to have misplaced your spine.

At the ATM she discovers she has $50,000 more than she thought. She begrudgingly accepts the fact that she’s rich now. Boo hoo.

“I’m back. Are you mad at me?”
“Yes,” he says.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

A modicum of independence. Why the FUCK are you apologising?

“Wear what you like.”

Thank you so much for your permission.

They have sex, because apparently the only way he can cope with other men seeing her legs is to stick his penis in her afterwards. They eat the cake she baked.

“Mmm,” he groans. “This is why I want to marry you.”

Because you make a mean cake and a great lay. Perfect wife material.

They go to see his family.

Kate comes barrelling down the hallway toward the two of us. She looks furious.
“What the fuck is this?” she hisses and waves a piece of paper at me.
It’s my email response to Christian, discussing the contract.

It’s none of your business, Kate. Bugger off.


Read Chapter Twenty Two.

Why not let me know what you think? You can buy the book here, or the entire trilogy, if you’re a glutton for punishment. Ironically.

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2 Comments on “50 Shades Darker – Chapter 21

  1. Oh my frog, this chapter :'( why?! Why is this book? Whyyyyyyy? Why do women like Christian? What is wrong with humanity?! Kill me. This chapter is so bad I almost don’t care about the horrific grammar. Almost. Argh it is so badly written! I’m going to go read my grade 2 diary just to get this horror out of my brain. At least the descriptions in that are better written. Hell, next time I have sexy times, I’m telling my boyfriend he makes me come like a train. Yeah, that’s so hot.

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