50 Shades of Grey – Chapter Twenty Five

So Christian baled on dinner and flew home from Georgia, leaving Ana and her mum to talk about ‘feelings’. Also, he revealed that Ana said something in her sleep. I’m sure it will be so banal that I’ll want to throw my Kindle into an open fire, which might be effective if it were one of those old-fashioned paper things. I forget what they’re called.

Read Chapter Twenty Four.
Read the whole lot on ‘The Fifty Shades Saga‘ page.

50 Shades of Grey
Chapter 25

My mother hugs me tightly.
“Follow your heart, darling…”

An excellent start. Not horribly clichéd at all.

“Will you visit, Mom?”
“Of course, darling…”

Provided my husband doesn’t get a minor sprain or a tickly throat.

I will myself not to glance back. But I do … and Bob is holding my mom, and tears are streaming down her face.

Oh, for God’s sake, man up.

Unconditional love – what every child deserves from its parents.

Well, that was some ugly phrasing.

What does Christian know of love?

And thus we spiral once more into the interior ramblings of a lunatic.

My heart twists, and my mother’s words waft like a zephyr through my mind…

Yeh, I told you so.

…in a moment of startling clarity, I see it. I need Christian Grey to love me.

And this is a new realisation?

The sex is amazing, he’s wealthy, he’s beautiful, but this is all meaningless without his love…

Oh dear God, I KNOW.

…I decide to email my Fifty Shades.

If I could email my Fifty Shades, I would tell it to get the hell off my Kindle.

“I hope everything is ok re ‘the situation.’ The tone of your email is worrying.”

His tone was short and clipped, like he wants to be left alone. So, naturally, she doesn’t leave it alone.

“I meant what I said about punishments.”

Actually, I’m not so sure. There have been so many threats about beatings, followed by vanilla sex sessions, I wouldn’t be worried about his punishments any more.

What is eating him? Perhaps “the situation”? … Something is up with Christian. Perhaps “the situation” is out of hand. … I mentally flick through all the scenarios that could be “the situation”.

I’m not sure, but I think there might be some sort of “situation”. If so, it hasn’t been mentioned or speech marked enough.

She lands and Taylor, Christian’s man, is there to meet her.

…my newly acquired wheelie case for the clothes my mother has bought me.

She bought you a suitcase too? I don’t know how you stand it!

“Mr Grey is preoccupied, Miss Steele.”
Oh, this must be “the situation”.

Congratulations, you unutterable moron.

She arrives at Christian’s place and is nervous. Naturally, it’s not enough simply to BE nervous, she must also examine why she feels this way. The answer – predictably – is that Christian might be mean. Boo hoo.

He’s agitated, tense even. Oh no – what’s wrong?


…desire blooms in my body … whoa.


Holy shit … something’s amiss…

Ana’s only capable of having one thought at a time. Hell, she’s only capable of having one thought A DAY.

He needs me, for whatever reason…

I can’t imagine, because I’m quite sure you will be absolutely NO HELP whatsoever.

“I’m so glad you’re back. Shower with me – now.”
I can’t decide if it’s a request or a command.

Oh yes you can.

…the fartoo-spacious shower.

Spent ages trying to figure out what a ‘fartoo’ shower could be. Never thought I’d say it, but here EL James hasn’t used enough hyphens.

“Are you still bleeding?”
“No.” I flush.
His thumbs hook over my white cotton panties…

If you knew anything about women, you would know that the white cotton panties render the bleeding question moot.

I groan loudly, feeling his tongue circling my clitoris. Oh my. … My body starts to quicken, and he releases me. What? No!

Oh no! You’ll have to wait a whole three seconds more for your orgasm!

…he buries his head in my neck as he buries himself inside me, groaning … as he finds his release.

He seems to keep losing his release in your vagina. It’s very careless of him.

They start having a shower together. He washes her whilst she tells him about her new job, and invites him to José’s exhibition. How nice. BUT SHE SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT THERE’S A SITUATION.

Oh, the helicopter of course, silly me. More flying – cool!

Why do millions of people not realise that this book is TERRIBLY WRITTEN?

“Put your hands on the wall, Anastasia. I’m going to take you again”…

This sex scene actually fades to black. This ‘filthy’ book has actually set up a sex scene and then not followed through with it. Unbelievable.

“I want you ready and waiting in my playroom in fifteen minutes.”


…I’m excited, aroused, wet already.


I can see his naked feet, and I want to kiss every inch of them … run my tongue over his instep, suck each of his toes.

This is meant to be erotic?!

“We don’t have a signed contract, Anastasia. But we’ve discussed limits.”

Oh yes, this is the penultimate chapter and they STILL haven’t signed the bloody contract.

“Don’t start with your smart mouth in here, Miss Steele. Or I will fuck it with you on your knees.”

Ha! She might shut the hell up now.

He tells her that what is about to happen will be intense. He’s going to tie her to the bed, blindfold her and play music so she can’t hear anything. He reminds her about the safe words. This, at last, could be the first proper BDSM sex scene in the book.

A musical interlude. … I hope it’s not rap.

THAT is what you take from his multitude of warnings?

In his right hand is a flogger.

Is that maybe for flogging?

…he kisses my behind and then gently nips me twice…

Literally biting her arse.

“This transmits what’s playing on the iPod to the system in the room … I can hear what you’re hearing.”

Commonly called a stereo, he can hear it because he, too, is in the room.

There is a LOT of preparatory shit, as she describes in intricate detail every movement he makes.

It’s fur! A fur glove? … the music … it’s in my head … transporting me … the fur across the line of my pubic hair …

For some reason, this particular sex scene involves a lot of ellipses.

It takes me by surprise, but it doesn’t exactly hurt and tingles all over, and he hits me again. Harder.

Ah, this would be the flogging then.

…again he strikes across my breasts … And it’s a sweet agony – bearable, just … pleasant …

What an underwhelming word to use.

He’s kissing and sucking and nibbling … moving south … and then his tongue is there … I almost detonate into orgasm … and he stops.

How’s that for a situation?

Then, grasping my hips, he lifts me so that my back is no longer on the bed … in one swift, slamming move he’s inside me.

To quote Jasper Carrott, leading the llama to the liftshaft.

“Please,” I beg…

I’m with you. Please let this be over. It’s taken me the length of the whole first Lord of the Rings movie to write this chapter. I kid you not.

I fall … free-fall … into the most intense, agonizing orgasm I have ever had.

Thank God for that. I’m off.

Read Chapter Twenty Six.

Why not let me know what you think? You can buy the first book here, or the entire trilogy, if you’re a glutton for punishment. Ironically.

About abusive relationships
Domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247
Help for abused men 0808 801 0327

About eating disorders
Eating disorder helpline 0845 634 1414

6 Comments on “50 Shades of Grey – Chapter Twenty Five

    • I’ve been off the radar for a while because Christmas but SOON I WILL FINISH THIS STEAMING PILE OF … ‘literature’.


    Best line yet written! xD

  2. FYI still tuning in for these because they are hilarious!! Do you write any comedy anywhere else?

    • I don’t but I’d certainly like to! Not more 50 Shades though. NEVER MORE 50 SHADES.

  3. Maybe she meant ‘far too’ and forgot to put the space in between the words?

What do you think?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.