50 Shades of Grey – Chapter Fourteen

After being given priceless books, a top of the range laptop, and the offer of a new car by her billionaire sex buddy, we can only hope that Ana finally decides to sign the contract in this chapter. For the raciest novel ever written I am disappointed by the incredible sparsity of sex scenes. Might I recommend that all those thousands of women try ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’? Seriously, it’s great.

Read Chapter Thirteen.
Read the whole lot on ‘The Fifty Shades Saga‘ page.

50 Shades of Grey
Chapter 14

Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited leather riding crop.

If this is a dream I will scream.

He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather.
“Suck,” he commands.

Like you did that asparagus, baby, yeh.

Abruptly, I wake…

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t know I could dream about sex.

She never even DREAMED about it before? It’s almost like she isn’t a real person.

Kate is skipping around the kitchen when I stagger in.
“Ana, … is that Christian’s jacket you’re wearing?”
Damn, should have checked in the mirror.

Ah yes, if I had a penny for every time I’ve been stuck without a mirror, and thus been completely unable to ascertain what I’m wearing … I would have no pennies.

“How was dinner?”
So it begins.

I’m bored of your moaning. Yesterday you were crying in her arms about Christian. If Kate stopped giving the tiniest shit about you, we wouldn’t hear the end of it.

I flush, remembering my vivid dream. What on Earth was that about?

I’m not Freud, but maybe: that man you had sex with … you want to have more sex with him.

My head was buzzing with various options.

Curse you, various options! Why must you plague me?

I think of my dream … is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.

Your inner goddess needs a riding crop to the face.

Kate comes back into the kitchen with her laptop. I concentrate on my bagel…

Don’t strain yourself.

Ana’s step-dad, Ray, turns up and they drive to campus, for today is the graduation ceremony. And Christian Grey will be there handing out the diplomas. I hope she falls over on the stage.

As [Christian] sits, he undoes his single-breasted jacket, and I glimpse his tie … that tie!

The one he ties her up with to fuck her. Give me a moment while I muster the energy to give a shit.

…the muscles in my belly do the delectable clench thing.

You couldn’t have made that sentence clumsier if you’d tried.

Ana sits and stews about Christian – why isn’t he looking at me? perhaps he doesn’t like me any more! – like a fucking teenager. Bloody Kate takes to the stage and gives a perfectly wonderful valedictorian speech, because she’s so bloody perfect. Which is why I vastly prefer her to Ana.

Kate concludes her speech with a flourish…

What sort of flourish? Does she toss her hair? Make a fabulous hand gesture? Break into song?

Holy shit, Christian’s going to give a speech.

Holy shit, Christian is standing up. Holy shit, Christian is crossing the stage. Holy shit, Christian is casually scratching his eyebrow. Holy shit.

[This speech] offers me a rare opportunity to talk about the impressive work of the environmental science department here at the university … to develop viable farming methods for third world countries. I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry. This is a very personal journey for me.”

This is what deserves a ‘holy shit’. Nothing less.

Adopted at age four, I think. What kind of life did he have before the Greys … rescued him?

Genuinely interesting backstory, crammed into a few meagre paragraphs, swamped by the mire of Ana’s perpetually banal self-obsession.

Poor fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian.

Three adjectives I did not expect to read in one sentence.

…it all falls into place. Food.

Geddit? He has a thing about food? And now we know why? Do you see? DO YOU???!!??

Finally she crosses the stage and gets her degree from the man wearing THAT tie. Of course, there’s time for an implausibly long conversation, given that she’s just meant to be shaking his hand. After the ceremony Grey takes her into a sideroom. Sadly nothing kinky happens: he demands an answer by tomorrow, and asks to meet her father, Ray. She goes and finds him.

Ray drags a digital camera out of his pocket.

Why, doesn’t it want to come out?

I roll my eyes at him as he snaps a picture of me.

Bloody caring father wanting to commemorate his daughter’s graduation. GOD.

Ray hands me a glass of champagne, or cheap fizzy wine, I suspect.

Well la-di-da. Isn’t a travesty that the university can’t cater the real stuff en masse, just because one of its graduates hangs out with a billionaire now?

Ethan has his arm around my waist when I look up into the frosty gray eyes of Christian Grey.

Ethan is Kate’s brother, who seems to be both friendly and sexy. So Ana won’t be interested.

Kate introduces Christian as Ana’s boyfriend, for no other reason it seems than to stir up trouble. Now this is something worthy of being annoyed about. Not her pyjamas.

He’s charming the pants off my dad.

How about that for a twist? Go on, EL James, I dare you.

How can he have this effect on me, even in this crowded tent?

Because he’s still an attractive man, regardless of the number of people present and the solidity of the surrounding walls.

I gasp, and I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, and I cannot resist.
“Okay,” I whisper.

At last, she’s decided to sign! I’m going to have some cheesecake to celebrate.

She goes home, emails Christian, and he says he’ll come over to finalise the contract (MORE BLOODY PAPERWORK). She writes a note to go with the first edition Tess of the D’Urbervilles he gave her, that she wants to give back to him.

“I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know best what my punishment ought to be; only – only – don’t make it more than I can bear!”

And now we see why there have been Tess references throughout. It’s a laboured excuse to shoehorn in this quote, which summarises Ana’s predicament perfectly, because somebody else wrote it.


Read Chapter Fifteen.

Why not let me know what you think? You can buy the first book here, or the entire trilogy, if you’re a glutton for punishment. Ironically.

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