50 Shades of Grey – Chapter Nine

And so, after much pounding and cries of “Argh!”, Ana has lost her virginity to Christian Grey. So what’s next for this vacuous character? I’m guessing agonising self-doubt, an awkward conversation with Bloody Kate who’ll – God forbid – want to know what happened, and ‘intensive training’ to get her into Christian’s playroom.

Read Chapter Eight.
Read the whole lot on ‘The Fifty Shades Saga‘ page.

50 Shades of Grey
Chapter 9

It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.

Hold onto your funny bones, she’s cracking wise.

How could anyone look this good and still be legal?

I cannot imagine what legality has to do with attractiveness, unless this is a horribly out of character and quite disturbing reference to the age of consent.

I shake my head, so much to think about.

Well, stay still then, or all those thoughts will roll around in there and get muddled up.

I could stare at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs.

OK, there’s no need to tell us all about it. Tip: writers normally leave this kind of stuff out.

She walks into his enormous closet by accident. I vaguely hoped she might take a shit in one of his shoes. And why not? She’s a wild seductress with needs.

My wayward hair is its usual self. Just-fucked hair doesn’t suit me.

My dear, nothing suits you.

Oh this is so confusing. I have to try and categorise and analyse my feelings for Christian Grey.

Or you could just, you know, feel them.

It’s an impossible task. I shake my head in defeat.

Ah yes, the defeated in battle were often seen shaking their heads before having them lopped off by the victors.

I … quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.

One: I don’t know why she’s suddenly started calling him Bluebeard. Two: she’s wearing nothing but Christian’s shirt, so I would have though a kooky hairstyle will do little to protect her.

She finds her way to his ‘intimidating’ kitchen and starts cooking up some pancakes, whilst dancing with headphones in her ears, because she’s so quirky!

…none of the cupboards has handles.

EL James, I can haz grammer?

I shake my head to concentrate on the task at hand.

The concentration shake of the head, not recommended when handling knives or heavy machinery.

In a moment he’s beside me. He gently pulls my pigtail.
“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm, Bluebeard.

Yup, told you. Try a chastity belt next time. Or a taser. Me hearties.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Thoroughly whisked and beaten.” He smirks.

Ha! Geddit? It’s funny because he could also be referring to women … you see? Classic.

“Would you like some tea?” [asks Grey]
“Yes, please. If you have some.”

He’s a billionaire with a room dedicated to sex toys. I don’t think a cuppa will be a stretch.

“I wondered if we should continue your basic training.”
My appetite has become uncertain again … more … more sex … yes, please.

Ana speak like caveman get more sex?

“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.”

We’ll round up everything we’ve learned at the end, and then there’ll be five minutes for questions. Stop sucking your pen.

Bloody Kate calls.

“Did you?” She’s fishing for information.

Of course she is. She’s your best friend, who helped you shave and buff yourself for an evening with a mysterious, sexy stranger, and you stayed out all night without calling. Hell, I bet strangers would be interested in this stuff. Probably even fifteen million of them.

Christian and Ana have a bath together. Woo hoo!

“Anastasia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at you.”

A genuinely nice sentiment from Christian Grey. It’s a shame she’s otherwise so insufferable.

[His hands] are soft and warm, heated even.

Almost as if he’s … alive.

He sits behind her and starts washing and massaging her all over, but stops just before the crucial moment, because he has ‘other plans’ for her.

Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp.

He’s touching his own penis?! Does the perversion never end?

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favourite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

How this scene should have ended: “Oh please,” said Ana, rolling her eyes and standing up. “I’ve had about as much of your bollocks, metaphorically and literally, as I can take. Goodbye you self-important, walking schlong.”

…very deliberately I gently bite my bottom lip and then run my tongue across it, tracing where my teeth have been.

I’ve been gurning at myself in the mirror for ten minutes and can find no sexy way to run my tongue along my bottom lip. Top lip, yes. Bottom lip, no. I look like I have brain damage.

She starts giving him a blowjob and seems to be oddly expert given that she’s never seen a penis before.

He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavoured popsicle.

This cutesy sentence is made creepier by the fact that he’s gripping onto her pigtails.

My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

Of course she is, you precious little flower.

They go to his bed again, and he starts kissing her all over and – brace yourself – biting her toes.

And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there!

Congratulations, Sherlock.

…his tongue starts to slowly circle my clitoris as his hands hold down my thighs.
“Aargh!” I moan as my body bows and convulses at the touch of his tongue.

Oh, the aargh is back! It seems that this is Ana’s sex noise. Hooray.

When it’s all over, he rubs her nose with his nose (an oddly affectionate gesture), and then outside the bedroom door they hear voices.

“Christian never sleeps in.”
“Mrs. Grey, please.”
“Taylor. You cannot keep me from my son.”

Stand back everyone, mummy’s here!

Read Chapter Ten.

Why not let me know what you think? You can buy the first book here, or the entire trilogy, if you’re a glutton for punishment. Ironically.

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3 Comments on “50 Shades of Grey – Chapter Nine

  1. The Bluebeard thing is a reference to an old ‘fairy tale’ where Bluebeard married a young girl, had his wicked way with her and forbid her to enter the dungeons of the castle when he went away. obviously she ignored him and went down there the instant he left and found the bodies of all his previous wives. I think E.L James is very confused about what the story of Bluebeard is actually about as pigtails are apparently what he’s into. (Angela Carter did a brilliant dark version of this fairy tale and other female perspectives in ‘The World’s Wife’, a really good read if you’re interested?)

    Also, THIS IS BLOODY BRILLIANT! I think the neighbours might be concerned for my mental health as I keep randomly laughing out loud like a maniac.

    • Ah, of course! I’ve read that Carter fairytale (I don’t think I had when I wrote this chapter analysis) and now I can kind of see what EL James is going for. But it’s not a good idea for her to remind everyone that far superior writers exist…

      Glad you enjoyed!

  2. I’m with Natalie! It’s 12:28 in the morning here and I’m laughing so hard I’m afraid to wake the family upstairs. Brilliant!

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