Last time: arguments, sex, we learned that Jack Hyde has a mystery partner in crime. Now Ana and Christian are off to Aspen, with Kate (friend), Elliot (brother), Mia (sister) and Ethan (can’t remember) in tow.

Read Chapter 12.

50 Shades Freed
Chapter 13

“Good landing.” Christian grins.
“It’s all about density altitude, sir. Beighley here is good at math.”
“You nailed it Beighley. Smooth landing.”

God, alright, can we stop wanking over the landing, please?

They get in a minivan. Unsurprisingly, Christian sneers at it.

I gaze out the window as we head toward Aspen. The sky is a clear crystal blue, though there are darkening clouds to the west.

Hark, a literary technique! Pathetic fallacy!

What have I done to deserve this lifestyle? I’ve done nothing, nothing except fall in love.

Well, to be fair, plenty of rich people haven’t done anything for this lifestyle either, except for bludgeoning their way through a privileged cervix.

“I’m hoping my husband will teach me how to ski.” I glance up at my man.
“You might break your neck.” His grin gone.

No such thing as fun when you’re married to him! (Although admittedly she can’t WALK in SHOES without falling over.)

Kate is brooding in her seat. Ana reckons it might be because the house they’re going to was redesigned by Gia Matteo. Why this would even register on Kate’s fuck-giving radar, I can’t imagine.

We pull up outside the impressive house. It’s stunning – modern and stark, very much Christian’s style.

Is it GREY, I wonder?

Mia runs up to where a woman stands in the doorway. Mia flings her arms around her neck and hugs her tightly.

Fucking Mia, always hugging everyone.

“Mrs Bentley. She lives here with her husband. They look after the place.”
Holy cow … more staff?

Ana’s capacity to be constantly surprised by very obvious things is quite wearing.

How much did this place cost? And I have contributed nothing to it.

That’s the nature of marrying someone who OWNED THINGS BEFORE HE MET YOU.

Christian gives Ana a tour of the house and we learn that Gia Matteo once had a fling with Elliot. It is not a shock to me that two single, attractive people once slept with each other.

“Elliot’s fucked most of Seattle, Ana. Mainly women, I understand,” Christian jokes.
I’m shocked. Sweet, unassuming, blond, blue-eyed Elliot?

What? Confident, good-looking, wealthy Elliot has slept with lots of people?! But he has blue eyes!

“Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”

Sure, if the cure for cancer involves giving you super-cancer, and you can only wish to have nails punched through your eyelids.

Later, it starts raining and they are all very upset because they can’t go hiking.

“Let’s split up.” Mia clasps her hands. “Girls, shopping – boys, outdoor boring stuff.”

If I roll my eyes any harder they will fall out of my skull.

“In here.” Grabbing my hand, Mia hauls me into a designer boutique.

Mia needs to stop touching people so much.

“Ana, you have legs to die for, and if we go clubbing tonight you’ll look hot for your husband.”

Or for yourself!

We’re going clubbing? I don’t do clubbing.

Oh. I am so surprised.

I glance down at The Dress. It’s backless and very short.

I’m sure Christian is going to LOVE you going out in public in that!

Ana spots Elliot in town. He goes into a shop and emerges with Gia. He kisses her on the cheek and leaves. Oh no! There is drama!

Should I tell Kate?

Yes.

It could just have been an innocent meeting.

So it won’t matter.

Shit. What should I do?

Tell her.

There is more blathering about Ana not being used to having money. I feel like EL James is flogging this particular dead horse ‘cos she wants us all to think Ana is a good person for not liking money, even though it is possible to like money AND not be an arsehole.

“Kate, how are you and Elliot getting along?” I ask.
“I don’t want to talk about it now.”

So badly, presumably, that they decided to come on holiday together!

What did I see? Elliot and Miss Well-Groomed-Sexual-Predator talking, hugging.

Why is Elliot (a known promiscuous man) just ‘Elliot’, but Gia (about whose sexual history we know next to nothing) a ‘Sexual Predator’?

What the hell is Elliot Manwhore Grey playing at?

Goes some way towards restoring the balance, I suppose. Being a judgemental bitch to everyone!

Later, back at the house, Kate reveals that Elliot has been distant. She’s sad because she’s in love with him.

“Try to find some alone time here. Find out what’s eating him.”
Who’s eating him, my subconscious snarls.

Oh, for fuck’s sake – maybe we should just hold off until we know what’s going on?

How can he mess with my friend’s affections like this?

Yes, Ana. It’s an outrage, isn’t it? Someone mistreating your friend, taking advantage of her. She should really do something about it, shouldn’t she Ana? Shouldn’t she. Ana.

Ana goes to the shed to get some wood (so rustic!). Elliot is there. You might think something interesting will happen, but it doesn’t. Christian shows up.

“Where do you want the fish?” Ethan calls from outside.
“You caught a fish?” I ask, surprised.
“Not me. Kavanagh did.”

Oh, that’s who Ethan is! Kate’s brother.

Back in the bedroom, I start to hang The Dress while the bath fills.

Hide it, before he sees.

“What did you buy?”
“I spent a great deal of your money.”
“For the billionth time, our money.”

No, I can never say it, for I am noble and independent!

“You won’t be needing this in the bath,” he whispers, gripping the hem of my T-shirt.

She might. You don’t know.

“I thought we were just having a bath.”
“I want to make you good and dirty first.”

Is your penis made of mud?

Fade to black.

“Shit, the water!” I struggle to sit up.
“Relax – it’s a wet room.”

Phew, I thought for a second the water bath was full of blood or something.

“I’ll switch off the faucet.”

I don’t care how wet your wet room is, I don’t think they’re designed for you to just leave the bath running until it overflows.

They get in the bath. Ana mentions that she saw Elliot and Gia together.

“Ana, they’re just friends. I think Elliot is pretty stuck on Kate. In fact, I know he’s pretty stuck on her.”

Prediction: Elliot has been distant ‘cos he was buying an engagement ring, or some shit.

Later, she puts on The Dress, which exposes a lot of her skin.

I need Christian to approve.

No, you really don’t.

I pick up my BlackBerry.
To: Christian Grey

You’re texting him when he’s in the SAME HOUSE?

“I need your sartorial advice.”
The bedroom door opens, and Christian freezes on the threshold.
“Ana, you look … Wow.”

Could he possibly … like it?

“This is very revealing,” he murmurs.

No, probably not.

“It’s not far from here,” he touches the hem, “to here.” He slips a finger inside me.

Ah, good point. And that’s definitely what every man this evening will do to her.

“This is mine,” he murmurs in my ear.

And there was I thinking Christian had a PENIS.

“So be a good girl and don’t bend down. I’m not going to stop you from wearing it.”

Sounds generous, until you realise that the implication is he could stop her if he wanted to.

He puts his finger in his mouth and his expression informs me that I taste good.

Look, I know it’s super erotic and all, but let’s not kid ourselves that you’re vagina juice is genuinely tasty. It may be SEXY, it may even be PLEASURABLE in the height of passion, but I don’t think he’s going to be drinking glasses of it with his cereal.

They go to a restaurant with everyone else.

Abruptly, Elliot startles us all. He gazes down at Kate for one moment and then drops to one knee beside her.

If only this story weren’t so tediously predictable.

“My beautiful Kate, I love you. Spend your life with me. Marry me.”

Not a question. Seems to run in the family.

- gildius -

Read Chapter 14.

Why not let me know what you think? You can buy the book here, or the entire trilogy, if you’re a glutton for punishment. Ironically.

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